i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
