how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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