So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
