I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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