There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
