i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
