just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
