I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
