I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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