it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
