when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
