So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
