i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
