If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
