I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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