At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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