I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
