My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
