I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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