shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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