I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
