so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
