I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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