shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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