just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
time to smoke my breakfast
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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