I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
