I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
