I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
