oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
