She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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