i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
