Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
