Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
