stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
