My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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