When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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