i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
