I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
