Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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