I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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