Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
