Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
