I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
is this the sara with the beer cane?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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