Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
