Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
