We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
