For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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