Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
