Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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