Pappa wants mamma naked
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
